Circle of Life.

I know that I may not be the only person who knows this, but I'd still like to discuss how life contains such beautiful patterns. Life is NOTHING BUT BEAUTIFUL patterns. Living your life is like a journey to finding out the patterns and sequences. I say this because I've been discovering a few patterns lately. Like when your depressed/upset one day, your happy and enlightened the next day or vice versa.
Just because my blog contains plenty of unhappy entries, I don't want you guys thinking I'm some sort of mentally depressed psyco. haha. It just happens to be that I vent more often through writing. I rarely write when I'm happy. If I do, it tends to get cheesy. But yea. Today was a good day thought, it was worth it after two days of head racking disappoinments.

Old vs. New

I need to upgrade EVERYTHING in my life. Or should I let life upgrade itself for me? I don't know but things are getting really old now. My routines, my interest and the people. I'm not trying to say I need new people, new routines, or new interests, I'm just trying to say I need to upgrade those factors. Seriously though, I'm not too happy with the way things are. I hate to admit, but I will easily let go of those things I love if it means for me to be happy. I know it's going to be hard, but I'm just desperate to not be upset anymore. I really despise how I'm ALWAYS upset or depressed. Nothing good ever really comes to me. Maybe like 45% of the time. And when they do come, I get all joyful and thankful. I just want to be thankful of the goodness in life rather than being depressed with the negativity always bothering me. Sheesh. Can't I get a break?! A really long one??

I know I'm not perfect..sheesh.

So I've been scolded, yelled at, put down just cause I can't do things the right way at the right time. I know I mess up a lot, but I'm not the kind of person to mess up badly if I can't bring myself back up on my feet. It would be nice though if I had someone to help me up. It's really uncomfortable to live my life with all these people called my "family" "supporting me". Honestly, I don't feel like I'm supported properly. My mom living with me doesn't even talk to me, and my grandma is always yelling at me making me feel like I'm worthless and I don't do things the right way. And the rest of the family doesn't even realize what I'm feeling, even if they did they wouldn't even understand me. They would just get mad at me for being upset. Sounds ridiculous huh?
And I understand it's partly my fault too because I've been slacking and lagging. I mean what do you expect, I'm just trying to live my life the way I think is peaceful and somewhat distressful. I don't like stressing out cause I'll freak out and have a breakdown. I'm trying to avoid that. And for some reason no matter what I do, my so called family will ruin it. And to me it hurts how no one's on my side. You wanna know something that's really messed up? Today my grandma confronted me and said something about the whole family not being on my side or not caring anymore. I don't know if that's what she really said cause I can't really understand filipino, but I'm pretty sure that's what she meant through her tone.
I don't want much from them, I just want a peaceful vibe and a little more love, considering the fact that my mom didn't turn out the way I expected. I want to love my family and I don't want to end up loving my friends and boyfriend more. Everyone's telling me family is the best thing, but I don't see it that way yet.
I've never felt so lonely in my life before. I don't even have my own space to vent my feelings. I don't want to have a perfect life, I just want things to be easier, and It's not that I don't want to work hard for it, it's just that it's hard for me to work for it. I'm just asking for a really good life or a good time without having to pay for it through pain, for once in my life I wish that was possible. I've seen something like that before and I know it can happen to me.